Soccer Sucks!

Now that the US is out of the world cup I think it is time to engage in one of my favorite pastimes, being a sore loser.

Soccer is a stupid sport. America lost because we don't care about this stupid sport, and if we did we would win every time.

Before Darren starts yelling at me, let me say that I actually do like watching soccer, and that in reality it is a fine sport. But I have been thinking about something Marc Fisher wrote in one of his recent chats:

"Marc Fisher: Don't worry--soon after they arrive, they will discover the complexities and rituals of other sports and free themselves from the chains of the single-sport obsessions of their homelands."
I think this is true. It is no wonder that Soccer is the most popular sport in the world because the rest of the sports that the world plays suck more.

Lets us take England as an example. England is a wealthy, highly educated country with amazingly crappy sports. Lets say you are a kid growing up in Leeds. What are you going to get excited about? Polo? It is like hockey, but with animals shitting all over the place. Rugby? It is like football, but manages to be both violent and boring.

And then there is Cricket. Cricket which might be the single stupidest game ever invented. From the Wikipedia entry:
"Generally, the batsman attempts to strike the ball with the bat, and run to the other end, exchanging places with his partner, scoring a run. However, he can attempt to run without hitting the ball, and vice versa. While the batting team scores as many runs as it can, the bowling team returns the ball back to either wicket. If the ball strikes a wicket before the batsman nearer to that wicket has reached safety then the batsman is out, or "dismissed". The batsman can also be out by failing to stop the bowled ball from hitting the wicket, or if a fielder catches the ball before it touches the ground. Once the batsmen are not attempting to score any more runs, the ball is "dead" and is bowled again."
I highlighted my favorite line. Idiots stand on a field and just randomly try to run back and forth between two sticks. If you can't make it, don't bother running. And what is worse, this altar to absurdity lasts for 3-5 days. Some of you are probably want to make comparisons to Baseball, which is fine as long as you accept that Baseball makes sense and Cricket does not.

So kick away citizens of the world, what other options do you have?


  1. Fair points. But you ignore the indisputably awesome sport of hurling.

  2. Hmmmm. . .I was really looking for a reason to yell anyway. Free association here folks, but the first words that come to mind concerning the disappointing outcome of yesterday's match and for that matter the abrupt end to the progress of the last FOUR YEARS, are "die, die, die!" and "die, die, die you miserable f#*%@cking ref!" I know, my thoughts at the moment are pretty singular and I acknowledge the lethargic play of our squad started on day one of the group stage(AND if you watched any of the friendly matches prior to the tournament you'd have seen our dysfunction then too), but I could not be any more disappointed in the US team. I know the wounds are still fresh and my opinion is likely to change tomorrow anyway, but I have lost nearly all fervor for this tournament. Who the hell do I root for now? It's not like I wasn't expecting to lose either. Brazil would have creamed, digested and shat us out in less than 90 minutes had the chance been given to them, and without a fight. Accelerated digestion at its best, and broadcast around the world even in Ghana where they curbed energy consumption JUST SO EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY WAS GUARANTEED ENOUGH ELECTRICITY TO WATCH THE GAME. Too Much TV, here in the US!! In fact, maybe that should be the basis of our next hit reality show, Who Can eat the most and still manage to shit first!" It's got potential! Okay, okay, I can see the path of that rant, and it ain't pretty. I'm cutting myself off.

    So I completely agree, both polo and cricket fall into the category of what I most affectionately call "Nancy Boy" sports. Anytime you play a game where you are more concerned about whether or not you should wear your full length sweater or its snappy vest version, you're really not capturing the battle of sport. And POLO, where to start? Letting the horse do all the leg work isn't right either. If the riders could actually be put down and sent to the glue factory from injury, I may then watch it, but until then I am not really a big fan of the country club sports. Crap I like golf don't I? oh but only when it's free, I'm safe.

    Where should we meet for the final?

  3. I don't know good places to watch soccer games. I think I am going to root for Sweden, might as well go with my blood.

  4. Anonymous5:27 PM

    rofl... americans are such idiots